Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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