so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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