drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Randomize
