Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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