That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
