Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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