I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
