yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Couch. On fire.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
