Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
