dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
