The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Randomize
