This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
