sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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