You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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