my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
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