wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Randomize