I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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