My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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