I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
