apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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