So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
