dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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