I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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