It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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