Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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