Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Randomize