Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Randomize
