Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
