i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
