SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
