I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Randomize
