There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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