kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
zippers are such a cool invention
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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