i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
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