beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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