if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
