It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
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