Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
