i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
