Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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