Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
