he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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