ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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