i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
