Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
