Screwed.edu
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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