Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
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