Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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