wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
This baby is an asshole
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
