My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
