Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
