I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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