Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
