You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
