I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
