We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
