My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
