His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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