she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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