i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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