Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
