I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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